Unschooling Gifts

This is taken from Today at The Daily Om:

August 14, 2007

Being A Container

Holding Space For Others

We have all been called upon at one time or another to help a loved one through a difficult time. When the help required consists of concrete actions, such as running errands or making phone calls, we know what to do. But sometimes we are called simply to hold space for the person as they go through whatever they need to go through. They may need to express anger or grief; they may need to talk or be silent. They may need us to hold their hand; they may need us to give them time alone. Whatever the case, when we hold space for someone, we offer ourselves up as a container for the overwhelming feelings they may be encountering due to their circumstances.

When we offer ourselves in this way, the more centered and grounded we are, the better. Our steadiness allows our companion to lean into us for support, as our presence provides an environment in which they can be free to move. We can also help by being responsive, allowing them to dictate the flow of action from talking to not talking, from anger to grief, and back again. By being aware and open, we can help them confront their feelings when that feels right, and back off from them when they need a break. Holding space requires humility, conscientiousness, and the ability to step out of the way, to honestly understand that this is not about us.

When we love someone in this way, we provide a space in which they can simply be. Able to feel what they need to feel without worrying about how they are being perceived. We can provide this offering in person, over the phone, or even from a distance, through meditation. However we do it, when we hold space for someone in need, we are offering a gift of the highest nature.

I'm feeling very, very grateful today for the gift of time that unschooling gives us to be with our children in such a mindful, meaningful way. I have been through many times like this with my children. I know I would not have been able to be there for them if we had to live our lives according to a school schedule and all that entails. Sometimes, it takes quite a while to work through strong feelings, and being flexible with our time allows us to address what is going on PRESENTLY, instead of always getting ready for, going to, or working towards, something in the future. It's not that we don't make plans, or set goals, it's just that they don't run our lives. We run our lives, and we are able to adjust our plans as needed to ensure that people and relationships come first. That IS a gift!

Summertime and the Learning is Easy

It seems like summer is such a busy time for us, with so many special activities and trips going on, and naturally, so much learning occuring. That's why it's always funny to me when people start asking in August if we're getting ready to "start back with our studies" again. I usually say that we never stop learning!

Anyway....... here are just a few of the things that have been keeping us busy since my last post.

My husband and I took our youngest son canoeing on the Peace River, pictured above, because it is supposed to be one of the best places in Florida to search for fossilized shark teeth. Joseph NEEDED to find some more to add to his collection. So, after some internet research, and construction of our sifting screens, off we went into "the wild". We only saw 2 other boats during our entire 4 hour trip down the river. It was peaceful, alright! We were all quite relieved that we only saw one small alligator sunning itself, but were pleased to see many birds, turtles, and fish. Best of all, we came away with about a dozen shark teeth and a few other fossils! This was not even the best time of year to be fossil hunting, so we are already planning to return when the river is nice and low.

Our downstairs guest bathroom has also been busy quite a bit too, LOL! That's because it has been taken over as a laboratory. Angelica and Joseph named it the "Non-stop Lab", made a sign for the door, and created their own lab shirts on which they draw a picture of each experiment they've done. There are also safety rules posted, like "Long hair must be tied back to keep it out of the experiments." The inspiration for many of their experiments came from the book "Mad Professor", but they also create their own experiments like comparing how different materials soak up colored water, and which glue makes the best "goo". Results are recorded in the "lab notebook." I don't think I could have come up with a more fun science curriculum if my life depended on it!

As if we hadn't done enough in July, we also celebrated our oldest son's 16th birthday. Part of the celebration included driving him and 5 other friends to see The Warp Tour in Miami. While the teens were outside rocking and sweating, and then soaking in the rain, the older and younger crowd went to the Miami Science Museum. There we were able to see an amazing collection of some of our favorite things, dinosaur fossils, from China no less! Of course the biggest draw for my kids were the hands-on exhibits, especially the "conservation of angular momentum" exhibit where my kids took spinning around in circles to the extreme. We also really enjoyed the electricity demonstration and the planetarium show.

Oh, and before July could end, we squeezed in a trip to Maine to visit the Grandparents and many cousins. We had lots of elemental fun - earth, fire, water, and fresh air. :)

So now you know why I laugh when people ask if I'm getting ready to have the kids start "school" again. That was only some of what we did in one month of this summer! Phew! Here's what I envision when others talk of getting ready for school........

PARENTS, GET YOUR GROOVE ON !

I recently discovered this wonderful site: http://www.enjoyparenting.com/. The man who runs the the site, Scott Noelle, is an unschooling parent who helps other parents in trying to achieve more joy in their parenting. One way that he does this is through a brief e-mail that you can sign up to receive every day, called "The Daily Groove." Here is the text of one of my favorites so far:

The Daily Groove
Relieving Time Pressure
by Scott Noelle, posted on 2006-11-03

You enjoy parenting most when you feel expansive and flowing — the way you feel when you're not under any kind of pressure.

One of the most common pressures of modern life is time pressure: having to be somewhere or do something by a certain time. Young children naturally live in the moment, not by the clock, so subjecting them to time pressure usually leads to discord.

To reduce time pressure in your daily groove...

Decide that geniality (feeling good) is more important than punctuality (being 'right').

Don't agree to be on time — build flexibility into your agreements. ("I'll be there around 7:00-ish.")

When you really want to be on time to an appointment, give yourself LOTS of extra cushion time — just accept that life with kids is less "efficient."

Don't rush when you're late — call and renegotiate! For all you know, the person you're meeting may be late, too.

When you can get away with it, don't make plans at all! Enjoy living spontaneously!

Enjoy your parenting more, check out this site today!

CONNECTIONS, INSPIRATION, GRATITUDE

Inspiration comes in many forms, from many sources, but most often in my life it arises from personal connections. It seems that I have had a year of inspiration focused on joy and gratitude. My gratitude has been ever more focused on the gift of simply being alive. I'm frequently reminded of a song by one of my favorite groups, Reliant K, in which they sing, "It's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive."

Most recently, I was inspired to create some art for a "Day of the Dead" art trade, for a wonderful on-line group that I belong to. This group, called the "Imagination Tribe", exists to support and inspire its members in their creative pursuits, and does it ever! Anyway, I started with a rough draft, which depicted a little view of what I think a Day of the Dead(DOTD) celebration might look like in Mexico. I never made the final piece of Art for the trade, however, because I was inspired to do something else.

The DOTD celebrations coincide with the Catholic church's celebrations of All Saint's Day (Nov.1) and All Souls Day (Nov. 2), so I decided to incorporate all the "celebrations" to create our own family tradition. We made small skulls out of clay and decorated them brightly, similar to the sugar skulls made in Mexico. There is one for each member of our family as a symbol of our own mortality; to remind us that life is precious. and that death is a part of life. Then I made a folio with a saint's story and picture for each person in our family. I chose a saint with the same or similar name to each person, and we read their stories on All Saints Day. My daughter said, "My saint rocks!" after hearing the story of Saint Angela de Merici. :)

On All Souls Day, I set up our own "altar" with the saint folios, the skulls, photos of deceased family members, and something memorable about the family members in the photos, as well as a candle for each person we were remembering. There was also an honored guest on the altar, Hannah. Hannah's mother, Diana, has so graciously shared herself and her daughter with so many. We did not know Hannah before, but I am blessed by the life that she lived and amazed by the joyous effect she continues to have in this world. I am so grateful to be a part of her continuing journey.

The altar was set up on our dining room buffet, so that during dinner, the candles were lit and we shared stories and memories about our loved ones who were gone from this life, but still with us in our hearts. We remembered how their lives inspired us to be, or not to be. ;) I found myself feeling thankful for the time we had with our family "back then", and even more grateful for this minute....with our family right here..... right now. It was a night of inspiration, connections, and gratitude.

LEARNING TO SAY YES

One of the most rewarding, and sometimes most difficult, things to do as a parent is to say "yes" to our children. Society makes it easy for parents, encourages parents, to say no to children. Limits are seen as necessary and desirable. I am so glad to have learned that "yes" is not a dirty word to shelter my children from. In fact, the more creative I am in finding ways to say yes to them, the more I find that I am really saying yes to myself and to life itself.

I recently read a poignant letter in one of my favorite catalogues about this very idea. It is titled, "Say Yes When It Matters," and you can read it here: http://www.femailcreations.com/girl_talk.aspx . I think it is a good illustration why saying "yes"as much as possible is vital to a full, joyful life for ourselves, AND our children. I believe that when you're a parent, every "yes" matters.

LIVE AND LEARN CONFERENCE - PART II

This bright orange type is a reminder of the bright orange conference shirts from this year. They were so cheery and bright. You're sure to see a few in the following pictures. Here is just a sampling of some of the fun:

LIVE AND LEARN CONFERENCE 2006 - PART I

It has been several weeks since our family returned from Albuquerque, NM, where we attended the 5th annual Live & Learn Unschooling Conference. It was much anticipated, and will be long remembered, just as the 3 previous conferences we attended were. They have become the our "re-fueling" pit stops along our unschooling journey. At the end of each conference, we are energized by having been surrounded by so many others who "get it".

There is no other place where our whole family can go and each person finds activities and companions to meet their needs - all at the same time!!! (Not the whole time mind you, but a large portion of the time.) Other times, we are more comfortable than anywhere else to just "Be". We can be our true selves without fear of misunderstanding, or judgement, or criticism. Without needing to "defend" our lifestyle choices, we can more open to learning about ourselves, others, and everthing around us. The conferences are like an explosion of learning in all those areas. With all the funshops, the conference talks, the socializing, the sharing, it's like at least a month of living all rolled into just a few days.

The most wonderful thing about the conference for me, is seeing all the REAL LIFE unschooling families interacting with each other, seeing the ideals I value being practiced in reality, with awe-inspiring results. I get to see the living proof that I am not reaching for some unattainable dream with my family. I see that living a life free of school, a life where children are given the respect they deserve, a life of conscious choices towards peace and happiness, is not only possible, but is being very successfully LIVED TODAY. And there are as many ways to live such a life as there are families. Being around all those different families helps broaden my (and my husband's) perspective on what the possibilities really are. There are more ways to make unschooling work in your family than it might appear at first, just like anything else. I think this is where the creativity of unschoolers really shines, in how each family goes about making this lifestyle choice work for them.

I recently read an essay by Gloria Steinem on the NPR website entitled, "A Balance Between Nature and Nurture". http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4805246&sc=emaf&sc=emaf I was surprised to find out that Gloria Steinem had been essentially "unschooled" herself, never attending a formal school until the age of twelve. She gives a poignant description of the effect of school on her life. But the reason I bring this article up here is the following passage:

"But the real answer is a balance between nature and nurture. What would happen if we listened to children as much as we talked to them? Or what would happen if even one generation were raised with respect and without violence?
I believe we have no idea what might be possible on this "Space Ship Earth."

When I read this, I immediately thought, I have an idea of what is possible, and the reason I do is because I was just at the Live and Learn Conference. I saw hundreds of children who are being raised with respect, who are being listened to, who are being raised without violence as a family dynamic. The results are just as wonderful as one would hope: kids of all ages peacefully playing and hanging out together; kids and adults joyfully hanging out together; kids and adults learning from and with each other, enjoying being together in all types of activities; "packs" of happy teenagers who are comfortable conversing with adults; people who KNOW their are many possible solutions to every challenge. This is just a glimpse of what is possible, so I guess I don't really know the full extent of what is possible. But as unschooling continues to flourish, count me in!

JUST PLAYING AROUND

I tried to teach my child with books;
He gave me only puzzled looks.
I tried to teach my child with words;
They passed him by, often unheard.
Despairingly, I turned aside;
“How shall I teach this child?” I cried.
Into my hand he placed the key;
“COME,” he said, “PLAY WITH ME!”

Author Unknown (to me, at least)

Okay, I Admit It, I LOVE Spongebob!

When people dismiss television, and cartoons especially, as a mindless waste of time, I can't help but feel sorry for them. I think how much joyful bonding they could be having with their children. I think of all the laughs they could be having, if they just let themselves, if they just allowed themselves the 'unproductive' time to just sit and watch, they would be pleasantly surprised. I think the biggest surprise for some would be how much can be learned from cartoons.

My favorite cartoon for the last few years has been Spongebob Squarepants. Our family has enjoyed so many laughs and learned so many things from watching that show, that it would be hard to list them all, but I'll give you just I few examples why I think Spongebob is so awesome.

The character of Spongebob is like an eternal optimist. He rarely gets discouraged, but when he does his other emotions are just as huge as his happiness. He has passion for life! He approaches everything with enthusiasm. Even at his job as a frycook, Spongebob strives to be the absolute best he can be, and he takes satisfaction in a job well done. He is truly happy with the simple things in life, like friendship and bubbles. Numerous episodes show his disregard of money. Spongebob is a generous and loyal friend, kind to everyone, even the 'evil' Plankton. He is able to see the good in everyone, and often brings out the good in everyone, whether they like it or not (like Squidward).

If all my kids learned from watching Spongebob was how to be enthusiastic, optimistic, kind, loyal, generous, or a conscientious employee, that would be pretty good! BUT, they learn so much more. There is the content of each storyline, with the references to things in real life that we discuss that add even more depth to the value of this cartoon. Just today, they were quoting one of the characters, Patrick, saying, "The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma." Quite a mouthful, huh? Of course, I couldn't let that go by without talking to them about it, and after the discussion, the humor was appreciated even more by them. (After saying this, the cartoon shows a carton of milk spilling on a table inside Patrick's head. )

One of my daughter's friends told me that there was talk at her school about trying to have Spongebob banned! I want to cry when I hear talk of banning anything in this day and age, but this cartoon? I couldn't imagine why. When I asked the girl, she said it had something to do with an episode where he ripped his pants. Well, I've seen the offending episode numerous times, and the moral is "Be yourself if you want people to like you." Spongebob got a laugh the first few times he ripped his pants, so he kept playing practical jokes until he went too far and everyone had enough. At the end, he sings a corny song realizing his error, and everything is all better. How that is offensive is beyond me.

What offends me, quite frankly, is the look I get from some people when I tell them I love Spongebob. I want to tell them to just grow up, I mean loosen up, I mean wise up, I mean --- just watch it, maybe you'll like it.

SO I NEVER FORGET.....

I am so grateful for my life, for being able to use my body to walk and swim and jump and dance and sing and climb stairs and sooooooo much more.

I am grateful for the gift of faith which has carried me through difficult times and given me the courage to change and grow.

I am grateful for my husband, whose devotion to our children matches my own. I am grateful that he is willing to work hard and yet knows how to play. I am grateful for all that he has added to my life, all that I have learned from him, and for the opportunity I have had to be there for him.

I am grateful for my children, without whom I cannot even imagine what I would be doing now. I am grateful that I am able to live and learn alongside them everyday, and for who I am becoming by being their mother.

I am grateful that my children are alive and healthy today.

I am grateful that I live in my own home, where I feel relatively safe, and I can sleep each night without fear of losing my life or belongings.

I am grateful that all our basic needs are met as a family, so that we are able to share with others.

I am grateful to have friends whom I know I could call in an emergency.

I am grateful that our family has made it safely through 3 major hurricanes in the last 2 years!

I'm grateful for my past, even the bad stuff, because all of it led me to where I am today.

I am grateful for having worked in the field of occupational therapy. I was fortunate to work with so many amazing people, who showed me that every life is valuable, no matter how compromised it may appear.

I am grateful for having worked with Hope, who survived a botched abortion.

I am grateful that I haven't "arrived" yet. I am glad to still be on a journey, still learning and growing.

LOVING PEOPLE AND USING THINGS.....

This is certainly an ideal most of us would admit to striving towards. Who would honestly want to use people?! But, alas, who can help but falling in love with their "things"? (Especially with the nearly limitless number of wonderful "things" to own in this day and age.) It is so incidious, however, that most people don't even realize that their things have become more dear to them than people.

As a mother of small children, I frequently get to witness how much more value "things" hold than people, especially if they are little people. The things take on even more importance if they are threatened by the little people. People feel hurt and disrespected when their "things" are not respected and "loved" by others as they think they should be. The owners feel that this gives them free license to disrespect the offending child, and the child's feelings are irrelevant.

My children understand about being careful with other people's property. They know that they are responsible for fixing or replacing something of someone's if they break or lose it. They do not purposefully set out to damage other people's property. So, if in their energetic youthfulness they accidentally damage something, I will not berate them for it. I will help them find a way to remedy the situation and to avoid a recurrance. I don't expect them to respect other people's "things", OR to respect other people who DON'T respect them.

If someone loves their things more than my children, even though they profess otherwise, my kids can see right through their actions to their heart. They will ask to leave places when they know they aren't respected and valued as much as the furniture, and I can hardly blame them.

This is yet another one of the MANY ways in which the simple wisdom of my children is re-educating me daily. Their unpretentious honesty keeps the heart at the heart of ALL matters.

THE VALUE OF NOTHING

Ask my 14 year old son on any typical day what he's doing, and he's likely to tell you, "Nothing." What causes him to say this, in my opinion, and what aggravates me, is the pervasive disregard in this society for things unseen and unmeasurable.

My son spent 6 years in school being told what he should learn, what he should be doing each minute of the school day, and even with time when he went home. As he did those things, he received feedback that what he did was more or less valuable as noted by grades, praise, criticism, and the like. What he also received was the message that anything unrelated to school was not valuable. It wasn't worth the time, wouldn't garner others' praise and prizes. It wouldn't raise his status in the artificial peer hierarchy of the academic world.

The message of what is valuable was also taught to my son by our consumerism, and the general value of work in our society. Work that doesn't bring in lots of money is poorly regarded. There is little evaluation of the personal fulfillment that work brings, or the moral ideals that it might futher. The greatest example of this is motherhood. Full-time mothers provide one of the most important services to humanity, but their work is often the most disregarded. Don't even get me started about the pay! LOL

Let us not forget the media's role in giving value to our lives. The more media play something gets, the more spectacular it seems, the more status it receives. On a smaller scale, that which is visible is valuable. When someone builds something, or creates something, it's easy to "see" it's value. But what about the things that go unseen? What about washing clothes that will be dirty again in few days? What about feelings? What about ideas? What about practice? What about the internal dialogue that we constantly have that propels us through life? What about the mistakes from which we learn to do better, or differently the next time? Most of these things are not visible to others and might go unnoticed. They could hardly compete with the larger than life promotions of media greatness!

I am fighting against all these messages to prove to my son and the world that the only life worth living, the only valuable life is one in which you are true to yourself. Follow your own interests. Value your own time. Don't let others steal that away from you. If others don't value what you are doing, they are missing out. When I confront my son and tell him all the things he has actually done, he smiles because I think he really knows he is not doing, "nothing". He is doing something, just what he wants to do, and that is SOMETHING.